Watching Myself

Tonight is my movie premier for the student film i starred in last semester. I am nervous. I have no idea how it is going to turn out, I just know it isn't my best work. I can't stand to watch myself on video if I am actually trying to act. When I'm just goofing off it is usually fine, often funny. I'm worried that this film will only be funny because it's so bad. Let's face it, the script is nothing special. It is a low budget c movie put together by a bunch of college kids. It is all melodrama and genre switching every 5 minutes. The film swings between drama, road trip movie, romantic comedy, horror film, comedy and spoof. Maybe it will actually be good, I'm just nervous. If I ever do become an actress I wonder if I will be able to watch myself in movies. I wish that I could see how everyone reacts to this one without them knowing I'm there.
I've talked about it so much now that I think everyone has high expectations. A TON of my friends are coming, my mom is driving down from New York. It is nerve wracking. It's funny. I don't really get stage fright, but having people see a movie I did, that is something different. I don't have as much control, we didn't do real rehearsals. Plus in the few clips I've seen I mostly look like hell. The makeup girl tried to curl my hair which doesn't work very well for me. It just looks stiff and messy and it is in my eyes a lot. It is all going to be ok though. I had a lot of fun doing it, that is what matters. It's my first movie.

I over-think things. I get into a mood of analyzing my every word, every person's actions. It only serves to confuse me. I have a feeling that I need to have everything figured out right now. I need to get everything done right now. But I have all the time. All the time in the world.

Now for the important question. What do I wear?

walking on water

I saw a man walking on water the other day. It was a sunday, I was sitting in the dining hall eating brunch when I saw him stroll across the lake without a ripple. it was a trick of the light, a reflection from one window onto another. But I like how magic can be possible in those small moments, before you realize what it is you are seeing. Who know, maybe he did walk on water, maybe the same man I saw walking down the path was a trick of the light. It wasn't in any way a religious experience. He was just going for a stroll.

I was eating alone and I decided to slow down and just sit, look at the lake, eat in peace. When I actually slowed down enough to taste my food I realized it was crap. Dining hall waffles. yuck.
I ate it anyway, I'm sick of cereal.

Trails

Yesterday I found some secret trails in the woods. Not so secret really, trails by nature never are. The beer bottles half buried under leaf mulch from before the first snow say something about their use. But they are secret to me. When i am under the budding trees, on top of the hill away from my school I feel alone in the best way. These are the places I go for peace. The places I go to see the sky, see the sunset, see the horizon. I need views, I should have been tall.
Today I was walking my paths, meandering through the woods towards my dorm. It is the best kind of gray day and I was enjoying the gentle glow of the faded orange-tan-brown leaves covering the ground. It started to drizzle as I was taking pictures of a log - fungus as inspiration for dress. I put my camera away to feel the rain. The air is so fresh today, with the perfect breeze to keep it moving. I ruined my leather jacket in the rain, it is distressed now but oh so worth it.